Amazon Plans to Purchase All Remaining Businesses by 2025

512
View of the Earth from space with the Amazon logo over it.

SEATTLE – Amazon announced plans yesterday to buy up every single business on the face of the Earth by the year 2025. The announcement came less than a month after the retail giant’s acquisition of the Whole Foods grocery chain.

Amazon president and CEO Jeff Bezos, known for long term thinking, explained his ambitious goals. “I didn’t plan on telling everyone yet, but I felt so motivated after the Whole Foods deal,” Bezos said. “I figured why not share our grand vision. From World’s Biggest Bookstore to World’s Biggest…Everything!”

Amazon stock prices soared at the news, while all others fell, but then everything evened out, as investors realized their own investment firms would be owned by Amazon too. Many people are fearing for their jobs, while others are happy to let Amazon take over and improve their operations. The small business community feels their battle with the corporate goliath will end in brick and mortar bloodshed.

Amazon assured business owners that it doesn’t want not to wipe them out, but simply take them over. “Amazon would have driven them out of business anyway, with lower prices and free shipping,” Bezos said. “But instead we’ll be saving them, allowing them to thrive as sellers on our marketplace.”

Those wishing to keep their physical stores will be required to install instore scanners to track customer purchases. Every purchase on the planet will be recorded and tracked by Amazon, which will control a worldwide database of customer profiles.

People will no longer need to wonder if they should subscribe to Amazon Prime; it will make no sense not to. Alexa will most likely be in every home. Non-Amazon products will be redesigned by Amazon, such as the iPhone, which will be called the aPhone.

The service sector will be entirely operated by Amazon, as will institutions like universities and hospitals. Amazon will offer one click bill pay for rent, electricity, internet, mortgages…everything.

Governments around the world are crying monopoly, and Bezos responded. “Those governments are going to be the next thing we buy,” Bezos said. “We will already control all food, water, communications, everything from A to Z. The political world will have no choice but to give in. Democracy as we know it will reach a point of stasis, followed by irrelevance, followed by excruciating, painful decline. Followed by death.” Bezos said not to worry though, as old gift cards people have from other stores will still be redeemable for Amazon purchases.