WASHINGTON DC- In the Dirksen Café on capitol hill, you are likely to find members of the US Senate and their staffers; it’s the most convenient place for busy senators to grab coffee or items from their award-winning hot bar. In normal circumstances, the atmosphere is jovial and polite among the senators, even on the occasions visiting President Trump takes his lunch in the cafeteria. However, since his largely condemned remarks defending the actions of white supremacist groups, cafeteria staffers noticed Trump today iced out of the good table spots.
Pastry chef LaMarcus declined to give reporters his last name for fear of Twitter retaliation, but he confirmed that Trump was denied a spot at all the cool senate tables, and most of the lame ones, too. “It was brutal,” said LaMarcus at press time, “Nobody wanted to be seen with that clown, I mean- he knows what he did.”
First, more unnamed sources confirmed, Trump requested his usual, an extremely well-done steak with extra ketchup on the side, then attempted to sit at the “cool” republican’s table next to his old crew of Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R) KY, Ted Cruz (R) TX, Marco Rubio (R) FL, and John McCain (R) AZ. His usual spot was taken by Senator Jeff Flake (R) AZ, who recently lambasted Trump in his best-selling memoir. Even Cruz and McConnell, who had not aired their personal grievances via social media, voiced their disapproval by shoving their trays in front of open seats, saying “You can’t sit with us.”
Trump appeared unthwarted, however, complaining loudly that “Some senators just can’t take a joke, I guess. SAD.” He collected himself, then attempted to cross party lines to sit with what many on capitol hill call “The Liberal Breakfast Club”. Unfortunately, Bernie Sanders (D) VT, Elizabeth Warren (D) MA, Al Franken (D) MN, Corey Booker (D) NJ and Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D) NY (the rebel, the princess, the outcast, the brain and the jock, respectively) gave him severe side eye, then pretended he wasn’t there.
Additional sources confirmed that Trump was rejected from at least four tables before giving up, including the interns table, which LaMarcus assured reporters was, “the lowest of the low. But even unpaid college students have a reputation to maintain.”
In a last-ditch effort to save face, Trump pretended to get a call on his mobile phone, which he answered loudly, for all the senators in earshot, “Oh, hi Melania,” he reportedly shouted, “What’s that? You’re in town? Why yes, I’d love to get some lunch with you, what a classy, exquisite surprise. Love you, too. Big kiss.” Observers say Trump simply left his tray of steak on a trash kiosk, gathered his security detail and departed.
“If I were him, seating would be the least of my worries,” LaMarcus told reporters, “we’ve got a rotating roster of cooks and prep-chefs waiting to spit on one of his well-done steaks, back here.”