EARTH – According to a report by the World Health Organization, Wednesday’s “A Day Without A Woman” strike shattered the record for most male masturbations globally. The previous record, the Women’s Strike for Equality on August 26, 1970, saw millions of men choking the cyclops. On Wednesday, the number of men estimated to have dishonorably discharged topped one billion. The report also predicts the number of new birthdays nine months after the strike will be near zero.
WHO Deputy Director-General Dr. Anarfi Asamoa-Baah, stepping in for the absent Director-General Margaret Chan, says, “The raw data for the number of dudes jackin’ the beanstalk across the globe is mind-blowing.” Asamoa-Baah assured us that the WHO accrued more data, but unfortunately the pages of their report were stuck together.
Not every man felt satisfaction or relief at the scale of these nut-busting figures. “It’s disgusting,” says misogynist Jim Thump. “This is what happens when the damn feminazi’s demand equality. Where’s the equality when we men are doing all the work? “They’re forcing our hand here.” said Thump while quickly closing out of 43 internet tabs and waiting for his browser history to clear.”