Washington D.C. – For the first time in history, environmentalists have placed environmentalists on the list of endangered species. According to these imperiled conservationists, Government used to be the place where they could thrive and regulate, but human activity is rapidly pushing them out of their natural habitat.
The loss is particularly dire in the executive branch, which was a thriving ecosystem for environmentalists just a few years ago. Now the remaining population has been pushed out to the coasts, and is rapidly shrinking in number and influence.
According to environmental groups, these indigenous, docile yet incredibly vocal creatures have been under threat for years. Rapid deforestation has seen dramatic decreases in the trees they love to hug. Now, the small number of remaining environmentalists in government are fighting for their livelihood. Less and less funding is coming their way, and they’ve got hungry mouths at home begging for artisanal kale & quinoa smoothies.
Jim Kurth, director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, explained why we should all care about giving him and his fellow conservationists our attention, as well as our tax dollar.
“When environmentalists are allowed to prosper, billions of people reap the benefits of their existence, including fresh water, national park vacations, and the ability to walk outside without wearing a surgical mask. But now oil industry leaders are poaching these creatures and their government jobs at an alarming clip. Sure, independent green companies will continue to domesticate these fragile beings, but without significant population growth inside their natural government habitat, we could lose this regal natural wonder for good.”