CAMBRIDGE – A new study from Harvard medical school finds that endlessly browsing through Facebook has taken the place of smoking cigarettes as the most common post-intercourse activity. According to researchers, staring at bright phone screens after coitus causes the brain to receive a massive dopamine hit, which has replaced the nicotine rush enjoyed by previous generations and might even be more pleasurable than the orgasm itself.
“It used to be that ‘cigarette?’ was the most common question you would hear from your lover after an orgasm. Now? ‘Can you hand me my phone?’ nearly doubles that total,” said head Harvard researcher Anita Lay. “Clinical trial volunteers even reported the temptation to glance over at their phones while doing the dirty. This observation indicates that people are now more stimulated by scrolling through their feed than they are from making sweet, sweet whoopee all night long.”
The results from the new study were universally condemned by tobacco companies, who have seen a steep decline in sales after Facebook was launched. Calling the social media site a “cancer,” Philip Morris was quick to point out the negative effects of this post-boning behavior, including withdrawal symptoms from participants not looking at their phone for a 3-minute span during sexy-time.
“When my friends posted the link to the Harvard study on Facebook, I could hardly believe what I was seeing,” said Philip Morris CEO André Calantzopoulos in a statement. “People used to go through 2 or 3 cigarettes at a time after sex because it felt so good. Now folks are liking 2, 3, 4, even 5 posts at a time right after sex just to achieve the same rush,” adding, “This addiction to social media is just not healthy.”
At press time, Calantzopoulos was seen by reporters lying naked in bed with his wife, taking a drag off a tasty post-romp cigarette. Shortly thereafter his phone buzzed with a Facebook Messenger notification from Mark Zuckerberg that said, “U Up?”