Fossil Records Indicate David Attenborough Narrated Planet Earth Long Before Life Began on it

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Portrait of David Attenborough

LONGDON – UCLA Geochemists have found evidence that David Attenborough likely existed in our galaxy for billions of years, and probably narrated planet Earth long before life began on it. Recently discovered rock formations suggest Attenborough, who was labelled “The Ancient One” in numerous primitive cave paintings, was there during the creation of the planet, and likely provided exquisite voiceover work during this formative period.

“Twenty years ago, the idea that David Attenborough began his Earthly broadcast career before life began on this planet would have been heretical,” said Mark Harrison, co-author of the study and expert in ancient David Attenborough activity. “To learn that his calming, enlightening voice permeated the planet hundreds of millions of years earlier than previous research suggested was shocking, but delightful. I can’t wait to unearth the Blu-ray fossils!”

Harrison explained that Attenborough probably started narrating the ongoing events of the planet during the period of heavy bombardment, when life was still a ways off. “He likely travelled here via panspermia, and then just decided to stay when he saw all the excitement going on. Even back then he knew he could have a great broadcasting career on this little floating rock in space.” Harrison’s eyes beamed as he pondered the possibilities. “Can you imagine the way he waxed poetic the violent crashes of asteroids colliding with the newly formed planet?” adding, “The guy’s an intergalactic treasure.”

However, like any wandering spirit in the universe, it is only a matter of time before he moves on to the next solar system to thoughtfully muse soothing, informative thoughts about another planet. “Thank god he left us with some brilliant box sets,” said Harrison.