Giant Panda Just not in the Mood to do the Dirty This Year

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Closeup of a giant panda holding a stalk of bamboo

SHAG-HAI – Chinese scientists that get off on Panda mating have been stuck with a case of blue-balls lately as their prized Panda, Peter Phlaccid, just doesn’t seem to be in the mood to do the dirty this year. “Peter just doesn’t seem to be up for it, and I don’t understand why,” says frustrated Shag-hai scientists Hung Wang, “We show him panda porn all the time, stuff that really arouses our animal instincts around the lab, but Peter is as frigid as a half-melted popsicle.”

The situation isn’t helped by the fact that the female Panda, Katy Kokblok, has only one estrous cycle a year, and only for about 24 to 36 hours. “We’ve got one shot a year to get Peter into Katy’s garden and deflower those bushes. I mean, Peter’s got the wood, but Katy’s just more interested in bamboo, unfortunately. Even on the rare occasion when she is into it, Peter is usually off playing with himself somewhere,” explained Wang.

Ultimately Wang seemed doubtful of a new baby Panda emerging in captivity this year. “The chances of those two cuties bumping uglies before the year’s end is slim to none. I guess we can always go back to artificial insemination, and there’s a certain breed of scientists who have a fetish for that kind of thing, but most of us miss the magic that’s in the mating.” Wang stared off into space, lost in fantasy, before describing his anticipation with a sense of ecstasy, “There’s nothing we animal scientists like to see more than two Panda’s rolling in the hay, getting nasty in their mating pens, making whoopee all night long…for the conservation of the species, of course.”