HEAVEN – In an effort to see if the idea would work on a global scale, Almighty God is testing out male periods in select locations. Reports say that if these early trials go well, God could implement universal periods for the human population by as early as next year.
“Men and their toxic masculinity have been playing God for far too long, and need to be knocked down a peg,” said the Lord. “Now there are several different ways to go about fixing this issue, and one of the ideas that came up during our monthly board meeting was to expand our menstruation services to include all of mankind. We’re testing out that approach now.”
According to heavenly sources, God the Father has activated male periods in isolated locations including a small village in southern Switzerland, an aboriginal tribe in the Australian outback, and a trailer park off the beaten path in rural Alabama. Men in these regions have started to go through PMPS (Pre-Male Period Syndrome), which symptoms include bloating, increased irritability, and wild oscillations between hormonal rage and complete exhaustion. Soon, males in these regions will begin intense bleeding out of various, yet to be determined holes.
“It’s going great,” said the King of all Kings. “But we’re trying to see if male periods can really work as a one size fits all policy. So far, we’re seeing different results from different test locations. For instance, the men from the Swiss town just laid around eating chocolate all day while the women went to work. By contrast, the Alabama men would shoot stuff in their trailers to prove their manhood before spending all afternoon crying in the bathtub. Both are desirable outcomes.”
Despite this early success, the experiment does have its perils. Experts predict that groups of men could all get on the same cycle, creating a cloud of stress and negativity at home and in the workplace. This could be potentially disastrous in societies where the patriarchy rules and all positions of power are filled with men. To combat this concern, his holiness has proposed removing all men from posts of authority when that time of the month rolls around.
“Until men learn to deal with it like women have for centuries, we don’t think we can trust them in powerful places,” spoke the Supreme Being. “And to those men who say it’s not fair to spring something like this on them, I say man up, and don’t be a bunch of pussies about it,” concluding that some men can be “real dicks.”
At press time, reporters asked the Alpha and Omega whether male periods would lead to men having babies, to which the supreme creator, after a short pause, replied with a smile, “Bingo.”