Government Offers No Aid to Earthquake Victims, Citing Living on a Fault Line as Lifestyle Choice

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Lone construction worker standing in front of crack in the road caused by earthquake.

PARKFIELD, CA – After a recent devastating earthquake rocked the small town of Parkfield along the San Andreas Fault Line, the United States Government issued a press conference stating it would no longer offer aid to the earthquake victims, citing residency on fault line towns as a lifestyle choice.

“We’re not going to just bail these moochers out,” said FEMA administrator Robert J. Fenton Jr. during a press conference following the enormously destructive quake. “When you move into a town with a known fault line, you make a choice, and the government is not going to be responsible for your reckless personal decisions.”

So far, the federal agency seems to be making good on its promise of not offering assistance. When David Ateup fell into a large crack in the Earth’s crust in December, his family looked to the California Government for help. Their request was denied, with their rejection letter citing Mr. Ateup’s apparent preexisting addiction to crack as reason for the denial.

“I remember that case,” recalled Fenton. “Him falling in that hole was an act of God, and God doesn’t act willy nilly. My guess is this was the Lord’s retribution for the sin of moving his entire family onto a fault line,” said Fenton of Mr. Ateup, who moved to Parkfield for a job that doubled his previous salary. “Simply put, it was his own damn fault, heh, if you’ll pardon the pun,” said Fenton, laughing maniacally.

State and national policy is even worse for residents living in immediate danger of two or more natural disasters. In California, the government will actually take money from residents living in such locations in the form of a “liability tax.” However, the districting map for these high-risk areas were conveniently drawn around wealthy sections of California, which received a government grant for the construction of a 1000-square-mile plexiglass safety dome.

As for the country’s poorest residents, FEMA offers no sympathy. “What compels these deviants to test mother nature’s patience? They’re certainly testing my patience,” said Fenton, who likened living in high danger areas as equivalent to fulfilling a masochistic fantasy. “If you want to feel titillated from turning the Earth into your giant private vibrator, be my guest, but don’t ask Mr. John Q. Taxpayer to support your sick lifestyle.”

However, at press time, FEMA did offer future earthquake victims its thoughts and prayers.