Gun Easily Pulled From Charlton Heston’s Cold, Dead Hand

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Old Skeleton, mouth open, in a casket.

BEVERLY HILLS – In the early morning hours on Wednesday, Charlton Heston’s body was exhumed, and a rifle was pulled from his cold, dead hand. Despite his grim warning at an NRA convention years earlier, the gun appeared to easily dislodge from Heston’s bony fingers.

Heston’s corpse was unearthed by Lenny the Graverobber, who had lost three fingers on his right hand during an accident while attempting to steal a pistol from John Wayne’s coffin. “Listen, guns don’t kill people, trigger happy corpses do,” Lenny noted.

However, the situation appeared much safer this time around. “Heston’s corpse had deteriorated significantly since his death nine years ago. His skeleton hand had lost all its holdin’ strength a long time ago, so that sucker just came right out,” said Lenny, adding, “The gun, unlike the actor, was in perfect condition.”

At press time, Heston’s ghost was heard screaming, “TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF MY GUN YOU DAMN DIRTY HIPPIE!”