Man Pushes Self-Hatred Deep Down, Aces Job Interview

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Young man straightens tie for upcoming interview.

NEW YORK CITY – Benny Young, a chronically depressed twenty-five-year-old seeking his first professional job after college, aced his big interview by pushing his self-hatred deep down inside. According to reports from Young’s consciousness, the meeting resulted in the biggest boost of his career at the expense of any shred of dignity and self-worth he had left.

Sources confirmed that Young walked into the Johnson & White investment firm with the confident body language of a man numbing his own pain, strode right up to his future boss and shook his hand firmly, belying his shaky, bruised psyche. “A pleasure to finally meet you Mr. Johnson,” he said, desperately hoping Mr. White wouldn’t catch a glimpse of the crippling anxiety behind his eyes.

Eyewitnesses reported that as the two sat down in the conference room to talk things over, a completely fooled Mr. White began to ask the troubled applicant questions you shouldn’t ask a man with personal demons as haunting as Young’s. “Well first off, tell me a little about yourself. What are your hobbies?”

“Well, I enjoy playing chess…getting pretty good at it too, if I do say so myself, ha ha…I like working out, and seeing friends on the weekend, or whenever I have a spare moment. Also, I love to cook!” said Young, whose real interests include binge drinking, an all-consuming addiction to internet porn, and avoiding cooking meals at all costs.

“What makes you a good fit for our organization?”

“I know that Johnson & White has a long, sustained history of growth and change, which excites me. I want to work at a culture as fast moving as I am, and I know I have skills to succeed here,” said Young, who dreaded the soulless existence of working at the firm almost as much as being a failure in his father’s eyes.

“What would you say are your biggest strengths and weaknesses?”

“I would say my biggest strength is my time management skills and the fact that I take a lot of pride in my work,” said Young, whose greatest strength was lying to himself and to others. “As for weaknesses, I have been told by coworkers that I can sometimes be too impatient, because when I get handed important work I want it finished NOW.” All the while Young knew, deep down, that his big weakness was putting things off, which triggered a destructive cycle of excuses, low self-image, toxic friendships and debilitating alcoholism.

“Finally, where do you see yourself in five years?”

“My hope is to learn as much as possible about IT. Short term, I’d like to get a full grasp of the computer system at your firm, so I can quickly and knowledgably come in and solve any issues. Long term, I’d like to become a top performer and eventually achieve a supervisorial position within your IT department,” said Benny, who will drink himself to death well before five years is up.

According to reports, A thoroughly impressed and soon to be deeply dissatisfied Mr. White offered Young the job on the spot. With a fake smile and dead eyes, Young accepted before relaying to Mr. White, “You won’t be sorry, sir. I can promise you that.” Mr. Young’s spirit, which was as empty as his promise, reportedly broke on his way out the door.