HOUSTON- NASA researchers received what are expected to be some of the final transmissions from Mars Exploration Rover Opportunity today and were shocked at their findings. Jet Propulsion Laboratory engineer Kent Belivut and his team have uncovered scientific proof that layers of Mars core sediment may contain delicious milk chocolate, nougat, and caramel.
“We are ecstatic,” Kent Beivut told reporters, “but obviously, we have a lot of questions. It’s strange to see a planet core comprised of sugary sweet material only found on Earth. We always thought we’d be readying future Mars astronauts for hostile conditions, but all signs point to a yummy terrain that could give future humans sugar comas for millennia.”
Planetary scientists are already theorizing what Mars’ new terrain could mean for unexplored regions, and maps are already emerging that speculate sedimentary layers of toffee, crisp rice, and crumbly peanut butter topsoil. While there is little water on Mars, scientists are positing that Mars’ warm core could be host to rivers of volcanic chocolate and butterscotch.
Belivut and his team have ruled out any errors in the readings from the Opportunity Rover by conducting extensive tests. “With human lives at stake during our manned missions, I don’t want the public to worry that their tax dollars are funding teams of stress-eating, bored researchers. We’re a crack team of the most intelligent, eh, hold on…”
Belivut ended the conference abruptly as several half eaten Mars bars tumbled out of his pocket. However, his team is reporting that more research is underway to review traces of gummy candy in Mars meteorite rock fragments.