Melania Finally Takes a Dump at the White House

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Melania Trump sitting on couch

WASHINGTON – The First Lady has been avoiding taking a dump in the White House as long as possible but today she just couldn’t hold it. Mrs. Trump reportedly looked flushed, as a splash of applause arose from the press corps outside the bathroom. Melania said, “I am First Lady, and I am here to do my doody.” Press Secretary Sean Spicer was extremely relieved that the bomb focus is now turned on the First Lady.

Many people have viewed the role of First Lady being played best by the president’s daughter, Ivanka, who has taken a total of 55 White House dumps. “Make that 56,” said Ivanka, just stepping out of the bathroom. “I don’t mean to drop a bomb in the porcelain harbor here, but I’ve plopped down some Lincoln logs in 22 of the 35 White House bathrooms.”

Despite her presence, Ivanka’s image has plunged in the polls, and Melania is now squatting to take a seat. “I know I’m behind on my reading around here,” Melania acknowledged, “but I assure you, I am just as full of sh*t as Ivanka. I am ready to release some more brown hostages. I have returned to claim my throne!”