MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Today, Google announced its latest version of Maps. Dubbed “Flat Earth,” version -6.0 is a resounding rebuttal of the dynamic capabilities of previous versions. Newly resurgent conservatives have overwhelmingly praised the atavistic app as being the kind of dependable, backwards-facing innovation that made America great in the first place.
With an emphasis on clearly delineated borders, “Flat Earth” focuses exclusively on the continental United States. Lacking detailed knowledge (and the lack of curiosity to pursue it) of the mysterious wastes north of the States and barbaric pandemonium of the southernmost lands, version -6.0 has opted for security. Chief among these features are “Here There Be Monsters” proximity alerts to ensure users don’t find themselves in godless lands beset by thieves and savages.
With this dedication to mapping out familiar territories and making sure they stay pretty much the way they’ve always been, Google is convinced that the technology will provide a sense of well-being to a proud subset of Americans who would rather look not forward in fear, nor backwards in regret, but rather just watch the screen and do what it says.
When asked about the spirit of exploration and the possibility that other lands exist beyond our borders, Google engineer Zak Amundson had this to say, “Luckily we have the self-driving cars to go where we do not dare. They have come back with some odd things – a CD from some wildling chief named Drake and some bootlegger Coke from the south that tastes pretty good, like they used real sugar or something.”