Scientists Eagerly Anticipate August’s Total Eclipse of the Heart

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WASHINGTON D.C. – “Turn around.” That’s the message from NASA Scientists to the American public in advance of August’s major astronomical event, the total eclipse of the heart. The message is clear: you don’t want to miss this life-altering event.

If you are not scientifically literate, you might be asking yourself, “what is the total eclipse of the heart?” Scientists agree it is difficult to explain an event which penetrates the heart as deeply as this one. According to lead astronomers in the field, once upon a time there was a light in our lives, but now there’s only research in the dark. And there’s nothing they can do, but study the total eclipse of the heart.

Chief NASA eclipse specialist Dr. Bonnie Tyler, who plans to view the event from inside a Victorian Gothic research center surrounded by candlelight, doves, and ninjas, explained her acute longing for an event like this. “Every now and then we [scientists] get a little bit lonely with eclipses never coming ‘round. Every now and then we [researchers] get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of own tears. And sure, some [scientists] get a little bit nervous that the best eclipses must have gone by. Every now and then some even get terrified…and then they see the look in other scientist’s eyes! And it’s true that every now and then we all get a little bit restless and dream of something wild…Well turn around, bright eyes, because we’re about to experience the most perfectly produced astronomical phenomenon of our lifetime!”

Set to arrive faster than the speed of night, the eclipse is predicted to be so incredible that nothing in the universe will be quite as magical and wondrous. In fact, scientists estimate that many recordings will be made of the event, and will be re-played incessantly around the country for the next thirty years. Some even think the memory will be so strong, that we’ll be holding on forever.

“Every now and then we fall apart” said Dr. Tyler, “but science needs this more tonight! In fact, we need it more than ever! And we’ll make sure we record it right! Our data cannot be wrong. Together, we [scientists] can take it to the end of the line. The eclipse is just a shadow on us some of the time. You might say, ‘I don’t know what to do, I’m always in the dark. We’re living in a powder keg and giving off spark.’ But make no mistake about it, Forever’s going to start tonight. There’s something we can do: watch the total eclipse of the heart.”