MINISTRY OF MAGIC- Witches and wizards all over the globe have been furiously re-tweeting an accidentally published series of tweets from White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who is notorious for tweeting his own internet passwords. Spicer inadvertently released a list of items that many rebellious magic practitioners are speculating may be catalog of Horcruxes that could bring He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Elected* down from his seat of power.
For our muggle readers, a Horcrux is an ordinary object into which, through the dark arts, a wizard or witch places a bit of his/her soul to achieve immortality. It is rumored among scholars that only a heinous act, such as murder or tax evasion can produce a Horcrux.
The tweet has been removed from twitter, but some intrepid Aurors in the Ministry of Magic and a group of rebel student practitioners known only as “D.A.” captured the tweet via a rudimentary spell intended to preserve all items visible on your laptop or desktop computer screen (‘Screen-Capturio’). The list is included below, but we caution you to read at your own risk:
• First wife Ivana’s signed divorce papers.
• His 24-karat-gold custom motorcycle.
• A vacuum-packed Trump Steak from 2007.
• A lock of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Elected’s fine, almost-human hair.
• Prized pinky ring from former lawyer and mentor Roy Cohen.
• A Pair of Ivanka Trump strappy sandals, rescued from Nordstrom’s discontinued lot.
• Son Barron Trump.
The final Horcrux has been widely speculated to have been created on accident, and was unknown to even the Orange Lord himself. The young wizard has sported a strange, lightning bolt shaped scar in recent appearances.
Spicer himself has shied away from public appearances since the incident, and though his whereabouts are unknown, the wizarding community expects He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Elected to seek his vengeance on the much maligned official. Spicer gave NRT his last recorded public statement with a gleam in his eye: “I certainly hope none of the more dunderheaded wizards I’ve trained go on any foolhardy missions to destroy all these Horcruxes,” he said, with a mischievous wink.
*NRT and its affiliates will refrain from publishing this dark wizard’s name for fear of retribution from his blood thirsty followers, the Red Hat-Eaters.