Study Finds Ambien Not as Effective as CNN for Seniors

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Group of senior citizens in wheelchairs watching television.

TARRYTOWN – Researchers from the National Sleep Foundation discovered that seniors seated in front of CNN broadcasts were falling asleep faster than those using the popular prescription sedative, Ambien.

Sleep researcher Al Knight noticed the trend at the Grand Dormir retirement home.  “My study proved Ambien to be more effective than Lunesta,” Knight said. “But then I found a sleep aid that was even better: CNN.”

Residents of the home not taking Ambien were drifting off mere minutes after being exposed to programming from the Cable News Network. Knight decided to shift the focus of his study to test CNN’s benefits as a sleep enhancer.

“CNN works on the BORD receptors in the brain,” Knight explained. “Viewers are lulled into a state of general acceptance, with nothing challenging them to stay awake. Then comes a repetition of the same stories murmured by droning voices and identical sequences of footage for a hypnotizing effect. The human brain has no recourse but to shut down to escape the monotonous stream. Then the user falls into an unconscious stupor.”

Seniors in the home were not surprised by the results of the study. “CNN has always been my best sleeping pill,” said resident Larry Nodoff. “Get a group of us in the TV room when CNN headlines are on, and you’ll see us dropping off like flies. Really bored flies.”

Resident Madelaine Dozer said CNN is synonymous with sleep. “When somebody announces they’re going to watch CNN, we usually wish them a goodnight.”

Further study is being done to determine if there are any CNN side effects, but so far the only one seems to be the position of the viewer when they fall asleep in a chair. It is called “cramped neck nerves,” or “CNN” for short.