SNORVILLE – The Center for Depression Research and Clinical Care has just released a shocking new study that found no significant difference between people who are depressed and people who are not and their desire to spend all day in bed. The study gave both happy and depressed subjects permission to stay in bed for an entire Saturday.
“There were some small, negligible differences in the behavior of the happy versus depressed subjects,” explained Dr. Hapi Splaner. “Emotionally happy subjects seemed to max out at about 9 hours of sleep, while depressed patients had much more endurance for actually sleeping all day.”
Findings showed that both groups appeared to be content to remain horizontal for a few hours after waking but under slightly different circumstances. Happy people wanted to have sex, read a book and eat three or more meals per day. However depressed people seemed totally happy to lie there motionless or occasionally have a self-indulgent cry.
After a certain point, happy subjects felt the need to take a shower and speak to their families, while depressed subjects were ready for another decadent nap. Splaner found that overtime, the two groups of subjects veered further apart. By day 7 of enforced bedrest, happy subjects reported feeling “anxious” and “tortured,” while the depressed subjects felt the same as they did on day one of the experiment.