CHICAGO – After a contentious presidential election, a deeply divided nation is turning to one of its most beloved songwriters to help them “shake it off.” American idol Taylor Swift has written another one of her signature breakup songs – this time not to needle an anonymous ex-boyfriend, but to provide self-righteous Americans with an anthemic put-down for the other half of the voting population.
The song, titled “Seceding From My Heart,” aims to please both Clinton supporters disgusted with the results of the election, and Trump voters who genuinely disdain parts of the country where you can get a non-fat vegan soy milk vanilla latte on a whim. “That’s the genius of Taylor Swift’s writing” remarks Billboard staffer Fred Fanboy, “she can bring people together in their hatred by painting a broad enough picture that it lets people play the part of the victim in their own head, even when they’re really at fault for what just happened. It’s an approach the whole country can get behind, no matter your political affiliation.”
With killer lines like, “living with you, babe, it just ain’t healthy, we work for the working man, not the wealthy,” and the heart-wrenching chorus, “it’s plain as day, we’re growing apart, so go on your way, babe, secede from my heart,“ it’s no wonder the song shot straight to the top of the charts. “It really takes a mastermind like Swift to manipulate people’s feelings and insecurities for enormous profit and sold out tours. But you know what? A little psychological projection prompted by a master puppeteer is just what this country needs to cope in these troubled times” concluded Fanboy. “Thank you, Ms. Swift. You truly are a national treasure.”