Tiger Woods Still Four Major Arrests Behind OJ

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Tiger Woods looking dejected on the golf course.

Despite professional golfer Tiger Wood’s recent uptick in scandalous activity, he remains four major arrests behind OJ Simpson. Woods, 41, still has plenty of time in his pursuit for the GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) title in golf, but experts say he is well behind OJ’s claim as the WOAT (Worst Of All Time) among athletes.

“He’s gonna have to pick up the pace if he wants to catch OJ,” said Lance Armstrong, another contender for the WOAT crown. “During my career, I tried to make the most hypocritically shocking transgressions I could, and I still fell well short of OJ. Dude was a beast – a literal moral monster. Tiger needs to step up his game quick if he has any hopes of being remembered as the most ethically bankrupt sports star ever.”

The WOAT debate was unsettled through the early 90s, with most opinions split between “Gamblin’ Pete Rose” or “Rapin’ Mike Tyson.” However, beginning in the mid-90s, OJ went on a legendary legal and moral tear that left other disgraced athletes in the dust. At the turn of the 21st century, Sports Illustrated deemed Simpson the “Worst Human Being To Ever Play Professional Sports,” wrapping up the conversation in most people’s minds.

“I know it’s difficult to compare eras, but when OJ was in his prime in the 90s, violence in America was at an all-time high,” said Ben Roethlisberger, whose own legal troubles were inspired by Simpson. “And the Juice STILL managed to grab all the headlines. It’s really an unmatched performance in many ways that won’t likely be repeated anytime soon, especially not by somebody as loveable as Tiger.”

Over the last ten of years, Woods has been working hard to exacerbate his personal flaws, meticulously stripping away his own moral character. But most sports writers believe this approach hasn’t been enough, and that even if Woods were caught taking all of the steroids ever absorbed by Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa combined, he would still not appear as monstrous to the public as the iconic OJ Simpson.

“He’s not getting any younger,” said Michael Vick while wearing his signature Doberman-skull helmet. “Man’s already over forty years old and hasn’t even gone to prison yet. Now how are you gonna put a man like that in the same league as me and OJ?” adding, “If he doesn’t pull some straight up Joker-esque villainous shit soon, history will barely remember him for being evil at all.”

At press time, Tiger Woods was seen inside his Florida home training for his next arrest with a baby-shaped punching bag.