WASHINGTON D.C. – According to sources close to the President, an increasingly unhinged Donald Trump is not happy with his current and future staff. Reports from inside the White House suggest that Trump is growing discontented, and even angry, with whomever he ends up hiring next. With dozens of vacant slots still open across the government, that could mean a lot of heat for many possible yet-to-be-hired persons.
“The honeymoon was short indeed. In fact, it never began,” said Chief of Staff Reince Priebus who, along with the entire West Wing staff, has felt Trump’s ire before. “I feel bad for him or her. I really do, because the President is positively fuming about whatever he or she will end up doing.”
Trump reportedly took out his frustrations on aides at the Oval Office, yelling for them to remove the “really bad guy or gal” that he has yet to hire from his or her post immediately. When staffers hesitated, reports indicate that Trump grew even more irate, and then demanded that everybody “bring me a coke, and then get the hell out of here.”
Certain top officials have backed Trump’s assertion that the future staffer has not been effective and should be terminated immediately. In addition to Rod Rosenstein, who wrote a letter in support of firing the unnamed person, Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions told reporters that, “A fresh start is needed, that much is clear. I reckon that this very green new hire has managed to get on the President’s last nerve in no time at all.”
Still others were relieved to hear that Trump’s fury was being directed elsewhere. Press Secretary Sean Spicer was reported to have said in a closed-door meeting that, “if the President wants to get on somebody’s case who’s not even here yet, let him. That just takes the heat off of everybody else,” adding, “He or she is a godsend, I tell you, a godsend!”
Trump eventually took to Twitter to directly criticize his yet-to-be-named staffer. “Democrats & Republicans agree this guy (or girl) is terrible. SC [Supreme Court] should update rules so I can fire employees BEFORE THEY BECOME A PROBLEM.” Trump continued his social media outrage later that day, calling suggestions that he give whoever it ends up being a chance as “weakness from the lying, fake news media!”
At press time, an enraged Trump was seen in the Oval Office scolding his favorite Mr. Potato Head doll, whom White House sources say he is losing patience with fast.